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By Jay Pope, Ph.D.
People make bad choices. Routinely. Some of these choices are simple mistakes that cannot be helped, like the kind children make regularly. However, psychologists are usually not worried about their patients making these mistakes because they often lead to tremendous learning experiences and opportunities for maturity and growth. Far more intriguing are the rotten choices people make when they know full well what they are doing. Examples of this kind of trouble-seeking behavior abound: politicians who ruin their careers by cheating on their wives; parents who repeatedly and knowingly abuse their children; women who have a hunch that their boyfriend is abusive, but marry him anyway; poker players who have a feeling that they’ve got the losing hand and yet still go all in with pocket threes. Getting to the bottom of why we make these kinds of choices has been keeping people awake at night for centuries and has been keeping psychoanalysts gainfully employed for years.
You might be asking yourself, “What’s the big deal? People have been making bad choices for all eternity!” The big deal is that intentionally making poor choices contradicts one of the most fundamental and firmly entrenched theoretical understandings of human behavior: that our choices are guided by their anticipated outcomes. This so-called Law of Effect proposed by Edward Thorndike and made famous by B.F. Skinner (arguably the most famous psychologist since Freud) proposes that human behavior is determined by the consequences of those behaviors, typically in the form of maximizing rewards and avoiding punishments. Put another way, the reason you work hard at your job is because of the financial rewards, inflated self-esteem, derived sense of meaningfulness, derived sense of contribution to others, and sense of accomplishment you receive from a job well done. These substantial rewards will make you much more likely in the future to continue to work hard. You might also work hard to avoid the consequences of not working hard: less money, being laid off, feelings of depression, loss of security, etc. The Law of Effect is an elegant theory and it makes a lot of intuitive sense.
But this explanation seemingly breaks down in the face of self-defeating behaviors. What could possibly motivate a person to act in ways that are very likely to lead to negative outcomes? The answer to this question largely depends on an understanding of what motivates people in the first place, of which there is no professional consensus. Indeed, each of the many theories of personality offers its own explanation as to why we do what we do. However, despite the fact that some of these answers make a lot of sense, our understanding of self-defeating behaviors is only in its infancy.
You might be surprised to discover that the problem of consistently making poor choices—one of the most serious psychological problems encountered in therapy—is not even a diagnosable disorder. That’s right. The fourth (and most current) edition of The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), published by the American Psychiatric Association makes no mention of it. Even when mental health professionals do talk about it, they cannot agree on the terms to use. Some call it self-sabotage. Others call it self-handicapping. Before they threw it out of earlier versions of the DSM, psychiatrists called it “Self-Defeating Personality Disorder.” More accessible and familiar colloquial terms might include: athletes who cower under pressure are said to “choke”; a politician in the midst of a scandal is said to have “shot himself in the foot” or “dug his own grave”; a parent may remind a child: “you only have yourself to blame”; people who experience failure may say, “I set myself up to fail!” Regardless of the name, it seems that a major category of troubling and commonly experienced behavior has been neglected.
The reasons for this omission are several. First, scientists are not certain that this disorder distinguishes itself enough from other personality disorders, such as the Dependent or Borderline types, in which self-sabotaging behaviors are also frequently noted. Perhaps “addiction” gives us a better explanation for why we make bad choices. Second, some feminist groups have criticized the existence of a Self-Defeating Personality type because they feel it could unfairly pathologize women who stay in abusive relationships (a fair observation, given that many women stay in abusive relationships out of genuine well-founded fear, not because they hate themselves). Finally, it is not a disorder that lends itself nearly as well to clinical research as, say depression. Getting subjects to agree to inform researchers whenever they are about to make a bad choice would be a difficult endeavor, to say the least.
Nevertheless, there are several plausible explanations for why people make lousy choices. They include:
Fear of Failure
At first glance, this seems counterintuitive. Wouldn’t people who were afraid of failure want to avoid bad choices? Not necessarily. People who are afraid of the truth or of knowing their limits may intentionally not try hard in order to provide themselves with an excuse (“I didn’t give it my best” or “I screwed up”) if they fail. This is very similar to what social and developmental psychologists call “self-handicapping.” Making a bad choice allows people to blame their failures on their decision rather than face the essence of their fear: that they are not as smart, talented, or athletic as they would like to be. Put another way, these people are in denial and their bad choices serve to further distract them from the truth.
Fear of Success
One thing that repeatedly surprises psychologists is how often people are afraid of success and realizing their full potential. Or, more specifically, afraid of what comes with success, such as increased responsibility, more time away from home, more job pressures, and more opportunities to fail spectacularly (see above). As an example, consider that with very few exceptions, employers hire new employees with the goal in mind that someday, their new hires may be promoted, increase their salary, and do themselves and their company proud. The success of its employees makes a company look good and makes the owners feel proud that they could give a deserving person a shot. Now consider how many employees toil in complete oblivion about their superiors’ hopes for them, living instead in fear that they could be fired at any moment and only doing the minimal amount necessary to keep their job.
As another example, consider the hypothetical case of a popular high school honor student who has an unwanted pregnancy during her senior year. How could someone so bright and with a working knowledge of how babies are conceived make such a glaring error of negligence? Rather than blaming her, consider the pressure that this young woman might have faced. If this honor student were to have continued at her established pace, she would clearly have been expected to take the next steps in her development, such as applying for scholarships at top-notch faraway schools, moving away from the securities of home, friends, and family, and preparing for
a life lived in other parts of the world.
For some, the prospects of success can be extremely unnerving; bad choices might provide them with a way off the pressured “success” track and toward a life that seems more manageable and controlled.
Fear of Upsetting The Family Balance
Psychologists are heavily indebted to Family Systems theorists for their contributions toward understanding how individuals behave in the context of a family unit. They have wisely noted that dysfunctional families, in their drive toward homeostasis and stress reduction, will unconsciously nominate some family members as scapegoats (e.g., black sheep) who bear the brunt of the collective dysfunction. Some children who are designated the black sheep of the family frequently recall being in situations in which everyone else expected them to make a bad choice and, as if on cue and in order to avoid “disappointing” people, the child knowingly made the bad choice. In this way, the bad choice is partially motivated by a desire to keep others happy and to avoid feeling guilty for having asserted independence. Here, the unhealthy family system reinforces the poor choices by one of its members.
As a rule, children will do just about anything to please their parents, including putting their own dreams and ambitions on hold if they feel that their success could threaten their parents’ stability or esteem.
Fear of Shaming Others
Psychologists who study multicultural issues are becoming increasingly aware of the challenges facing families from traditional, collectivistic cultures who must deal with the numerous external demands of individualistic societies. Consider the hypothetical case of a young Latino male who, one year after graduating college, earned more money in one year than his father made in the last five. Or, consider the case of a young African American woman whose stellar grades, numerous promotions at work, and subsequent time spent away from home have caused some of her friends to criticize her for “turning white” and losing her credibility as a “real” woman of color. These people are feeling conflicted between their individuality and their status as a member of a family or a community. Perhaps they are feeling somewhat guilty for having opportunities that were not afforded others within their communities. These people might feel tempted to assert themselves less to avoid shaming people very dear to them.
Rewards
Ironically, one of the most appealing explanations for why people make bad choices comes from behaviorists, who propose that the rewards for making bad choices outweigh the drawbacks. They note that there are often very sound reasons why people err, including avoiding responsibility and receiving attention and sympathy for being helpless, dependent, or chronically ill. This helps explain why the reasons behind bad choices might actually have less to do with the unhealthiness of the choice and more to do with complicated nature of decision-making, with its numerous pros and cons. Might our choices, no matter how complicated, simply be another matter of the rewards exceeding the punishments? It is possible, but nothing close to an academic or professional consensus yet exists on this subject.
Nevertheless, the lack of consensus regarding this issue may be more illuminating than discouraging. The mysterious nature of the “disorder” of bad choices points to the fact that our options are not always straightforward and the reasons for our decisions may not be so simple as, “we are our own worst enemy.” This is why a recommended first step to avoid making self-destructive choices is to reflect on why we are tempted to make them in the first place. Rather than worrying too much about making the so-called “right choice”, perhaps we are better off asking what our choices reveal about our needs. If we find ourselves making bad choices, might it be because we are afraid of success and responsibility? Might we need to overcome a deep fear of failure and confront the truth about our insecurities and doubts? Might our poor choices actually reflect a selfless desire to maintain peace, please others, or avoid dishonoring people?
A second recommendation is to recognize that often our bad choices stem from the complexities of our personality and do not necessarily imply that we simply do not like ourselves. It is easier to forgive ourselves when we accept that many of our ills are less malicious than we think; indeed, they may be misguided attempts to benefit others. Instead of just beating yourself up for your bad choices, get in the habit of asking yourself “Who stands to benefit from my unhealthy choices?” Consider whether you are actually helping them…or enabling them.
A third recommendation is to begin living a life that includes regular self-care. What might appear to be an act of selfishness (e.g., going to get a pedicure, participating in more hobbies, spending solo time away from your family to get your bearings) may actually be immensely selfless in that a “healthy self” is a necessary prerequisite to helping others. It is hypocritical and perhaps condescending to focus efforts on helping others without first getting your own house in order. A common refrain psychologists hear from their patients is, “I am great at solving other people’s problems, but not my own.” This incongruity is more indicative of a failure to assume personal responsibility than self-sacrifice, and it needs immediate changing. Taking responsibility for improving your life and making self-beneficial choices might be some of the most generous things you will ever do, for we are only of real help to others when our generosity comes from a place of security and health. In addition, by ensuring that we are taken care of, we free others from feeling obligated to have to take care of us. We also model to others how much we want them to take care of themselves.
About the Author: Jay Pope (Ph.D., Clinical Psychology) is a licensed psychologist in California. He works as a psychology professor and a staff therapist in Fresno.
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